Rightfully yours...

The right to property was removed from the list of "Fundamental Rights" in 1979. May be you are aware of this, but I came to know this very recently.

May be we need to dust the Constitution again and review the list of "Fundamental Rights". We could add some more this time:

1. Right to pass the buck : This has become more of a national hobby. Municipality blames State, State blames Centre , Centre blames Previous Govt, previous Govt blames its previous Govt...
We could as well make it legal.

2. Right to, say, 10 votes: Booth capturing is a tough act to follow. But TN has emulated Bihar and UP admirably. And , rumour has it that other States can wait to practise this fine art.
So, may be we could guarentee 10 votes to any person who comes to the polling booth. This could save considerable time and energy for the party workers, which could then be utilised for bottle throwing, bus burning, bandhs and other such useful pursuits.

The actual voter is too busy to vote anyway.

3. Right to walk on the pavement: The traffic on the pavement is too heavy nowadays. If it is not a truck or a car,then you bump into a house, complete with stoves, cots and people.

It can be very embarrassing when you are crossing the road, thinking of this and that and suddenly find yourself getting mixed up with a complete stranger's family get together.
So, may be the feeling that you are exercising your constitutional right can make you feel a little better.

4. Right to introduce the gun-motive when sales people are busy : This would have saved one particular gentleman from life term. But the off shoot (no pun intended) is, when you are the customer in a govt organisation, this method will work wonders.

I tried to deposit a tax challan with a scheduled bank. I went at 2.00 p.m. The lady at the counter had just finished lunch and was in no mood to work . I was asked to come the next day. Imagine what kind of impact the Manu Sharma Principle would have had on that lady!

5. Right to register yourself with about 3 names at a time:
As the practise of changing one's name as per Numerology is becoming common, you will find this right very useful.

Let us say, your parents, for whatever reasons, named you "Srinivas".
And your numerology expert says you should actually be called "Shreeneeevaas"
or "Srreenniwaaz" or "Shreenywaash", you need not worry. You could register all 3 names and be assured of the best results.

We may, for good measure, add the "right to low- volume ring tones" and "right to affordable housing" as well.

Guide to the Indian head wobble

It could mean yes, it could mean no,
It could even mean I dont really know.

Theories abound,
Confusion is rife,
Many are the debates, discussions and squabbles
on why the The Indian Head wobbles

It quivers and it shakes, it dances as you look,
Follow this guide and you will read it like a book:

Lesson 1:

Right to left,left to right
Shake the nut with all your might
- Im saying "No, No, No"

Lesson 2:

Centre to left or centre to right
Tilt at 45o and squint
- Im thinking "will this work?"/ "what a dumb ass this guy is?"

Lesson 3:

Up and down,
Slow and steady.
-Im saying "Yes, may be":

Lesson 4:
A slight quiver at the roots,
The smallest rotation of the head
-Im saying "Will do"/"Done"

Lesson 5:
Up and down,
sharp and fast
-Im saying "Yes,Yes,Yes"

Lesson 6:
Slow and deliberate,
Complete rotation of the head
(has to be distinguished with Lesson 4 above)
-Im saying "I knew this was coming" or
-Im saying "I believe you" when I actually dont.

There are codes and there are ciphers and pidgins and creoles,
But the Indian head is simply in a league of its own!

Meerabai clean bowled!

Shocking news - Mandira Bedi is going to do the lead role in the movie : "Meerabai not out" - a cricket based flick.

Worse is yet to come: Anil Kumble is going to do a cameo in the same movie.

What has this lady got against cricket? Why cant she just leave and let live?

We have already had enough of her "expert commentary".
To be honest, the last time I heard her foot- in -the - mouth commentary was during the ICC World Cup.

"Holland made 140 odd against England. It made 140 odd against India. This means our bowling is equal to England's"

After that I stopped watching Sony.

If that is not enough, she went around the town in outrageous costumes "promoting street cricket"
(as if street cricket was in its death bed and it needed her to revive it)

And now, a movie.

Im not saying cricket is a gentleman's game , so there is no place for ladies.
The reason why this Mandira specimen irritates me is because there are better , more informed , more dignified ladies than her in women's cricket.I dont think Indian cricket needs some one from showbiz to promote it.

Somehow, cricket and the Mandira kind of glamour dont gel well. It actually creates nausea.

Looking at the bright side, I just hope she will be too busy doing the movie so she wont have any time for "Extra Innings".

Calvin and Hobbes

Ms. Doubtfire at Doha!

Yesterday night, we were watching CNN-IBN when the news scroll said "The Doha shame". Oh, another dope case, we thought.

The next line " Sounderrajan does not have female characteristics."

Whats wrong with that? That's how it should be , what?

Then I was told, the full name of the athlete was Santhi Sounderrajan.

Now, that's a problem!

But think, how did she ( rather, he) participate in the games when people were not sure whether she ( rather he) was actually a she or a he, if you get what I mean?

Was "Santhi" a short form of Santanu/ Santhidev?

Or may be Santhi Sounderrajan was the full name , you know.
It is like, people say Meenakshi is coming for dinner and you think of a petite South Indian, wearing flowers and having a singing voice.
Then they drop the bomb shell, it is Meenakshi as in Meenakshi Sundaram, HE is coming to dinner. ("oh..I'm not hungry")

Anyways, at least now we know it is not all in the name, in fact, there is nothing in the name.

And if you look at the panel of experts who did the tests ( a gynaecologist, a genetic expert and a couple of other specialists), you will think determining the gender is a very complicated task and should not be left to you and me.

Anyway, the news has really shocked all Indians, especially Tamilians who were planning a grand reception for her (I mean, for him).

To the IOC and all sports persons, its OK if you don't win any medals. Go out there, enjoy yourself, gain some experience and come back.
But please don't embarrass the country.

The dark side of Anu

I reviewed my blog and realised Ive been giving a rather "holier than thou" picture of myself to readers (if any!).

I care about birds, I care about law and order situation in TN and I am kind of patriotic....

So, I thought it is only fair that people get the right picture :

"I HEREBY SOLEMNLY DECLARE THAT I AM UP TO NO GOOD."

The food chain!

Is there any way you can teach table manners to birds?

I'd better start at the beginning.

It is customary in our community to feed crows every morning. Hyderabad, being devoid of crows, made up for it by having enough pigeons. So, I took to feeding the pigeons.

The routine was like this:

Every morning, I would open the kitchen window, keep a palmful of rice and close the window shut. The second they hear the window being closed, the pigeons would start arriving.

They also developed a routine: The food being insufficient for all of them, they would start a fight sitting in our neighbour's terrace. The winners swoop down to our window and get the food.

Sometimes , one of those "never say die" pigeons will fight all the way and will get its share leaving specks of rice & feathers all over.

And if ever I was late or busy, they would actually knock the window panes and remind me. They would go on knocking till they get their breakfast.

This went on for sometime, for both pigeons and self.

2 days back, the owner of our apartment called on us. It seems the pigeons are spilling the food and causing discomfort to people in the ground floor.

We should stop this practise.

"Absolutely correct"

After all, the custom is to feed crows not pigeons.

"Agreed"

Pigeons dont eat rice.

"You bet"

So why bother to feed them. They are a nuisance.

"Right. Couldnt have put it better ourselves."

Now, funny isnt it? We destroy their habitat, drive them off their home to construct our houses and now we crib about give them a handful of food.

And we still dont understand that we are all part of a cycle. No animal is unnecessary. Nothing is a nuisance.

I cant explain the intricacies of the food chain to the house owner ( and risk being thrown out of the apartment).

The pigeons knocked the window yesterday morning. I pretended to be deaf and moved on. In a couple of days, they will understand they wont get food here and will move on to some other place.

But looks like, unless they learn to eat without spilling the food, they are going to have trouble surviving in the city. Ideas anyone?

India's top 10 rich guys

Rediff has come up with the list of India's top 10 rich.
http://specials.rediff.com/yearend/2006/dec/13yrsl1.htm

Lakshmi Mittal (5th richest man on Earth) is No 1,followed by the Ambanis.

As expected, there are 3 real estate/ construction barons in the list - CEOs of DLF, Unitech and Pallonji & Co.

Surprising thing is, I didnt see the Tatas in the list!
There was a time not long ago when the term "business people" was synonymous with "Tatas and Birlas".

The young Birla is still in the race - 7th in the list.

Another surprise is there is only 1 tech guy in the list - Azim Premji of Wipro.

Fortune is a fickle friend indeed!

Casino Royale

Casino Royale is the first James Bond movie I have ever seen. For that matter, I have seen very few English movies.

For story , see: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Casino_Royale_(2006_film)

There were a few scenes which reminded me of our own Indian movies:
For instance, the snake - mongoose fight in Madgascar. Bond & his colleague are trailing a bomb maker.The colleague touches his ear phone while talking to Bond. The bomb maker at once realises that he is being trailed.

Somehow , this particular scene reminded me of Kamal Hassan's "Kuridhi Punal" and "Vikram".

The ensuing chase sequence of course, was too good but still I have a feeling that many Indian directors could have produced something equally good.

The movie had a title song! I thought only Indian movies had those. And the images shown during the title song reminded me of Jaishankar films of the 70s.
So, what is so great about Casino Royale? Could an Indian crew have produced such a film.

The problem is there is no "Indian film". There are only "Hindi films", "Telugu films", "Tamil films" etc... Roja and Munnabhai, I think, were the rare exceptions.

The formula differs for each region.

For instance, if a Telugu crew had made Casino Royale, the scene where Vesper saves Bond's life would have been shot differently:

Bond chants the Hanuman Chalisa before passing out. A monkey appears out of nowhere and fixes the equipment and saves his life.

In a Tamil movie, Vesper will still save Bond's life but once Bond says "Thanks", they will sing a duet in say, Switzerland, wearing trash and singing trash (about panithuli, suriyan, vervai, ratham.. meaning: dew drop, sun, sweat, blood)

Hindi film: Same as above.

And yes,in all of the above :

1.The African rebel will have 2 sidekicks who would say/ do the most inane things in the name of comedy.

2. An item number will precede the poker game at the casino.

3. If it were a Sanjay Leela Bhansali film (god forbid), Bond's entire family ( an assortment of aunts, uncles, grannies, grandpas and oversmart ,"cute" kids and a puppy) will take a vacation in Montenegro.

In spite of all these masala films, I still believe there are atleast a handful of quality directors, who would have given us a quality movie with the same plot.

Read first paragraph again.

Your ECommerce tycoon!

Is it easy to make money by selling online? I have been thinking about this of late.

One of our friends caught the Ebay fever and passed it on to us. I spent a good part of last week going over my inventory looking for potential money spinners.

May be my "Collection of entire works of Oscar Wilde"? This was a gift from my uncle . So, basically cost to me was nothing. But then in a span of 2 decades , only 2 people in my family ever flipped through the book - Me & my uncle.
So, cant expect the general public to make a beeline for the book. So, book idea dropped.

Then, I pounced on the Murukku maker my mother gave me. Im never going to use this, as Grand Sweets is a better option. So why not... ??

I was toying with this idea for sometime. Then I heard from our friend ( the one possessed by the Ebay spirit). He actually bought 2 shirts for around Rs.250 each and put them up for sale for Rs. 300 each. A cool Rs 100 profit, even if there is just one bid! Isnt this a great idea!

Appealed to me.

So, I created an Ebay user ID and password and decided to peddle my wares.

Since I didnt have a digital camera ( a must-have as any budding E Commerce tycoon will tell you), I scoured the net to get a picture of a murukku maker.

I finally managd to get one and proceeded to enter the details on EBay.

Description : Murukku Maker
EBay: Make your description elaborate & interesting.(or words to that effect)
Description : Good Murukku maker
Self: no no that wont do
Description : Brand new, Good Murukku maker for making (what else) tasty , mouth watering murukku, a South indian snack
EBay: Word limit exceeded
Self : ok ok
Description : Brand new murukku maker for delecious snacks
EBay: OK
Self : OK

Then - the problem that is central to any business -P for Pricing.

I was targetting the US market (your budding e-commerce, export tycoon!)
So I really need to think in terms of USD. After some market research on Amazon (your budding professional, e-commerce, export tycoon!), I arrived at a price.

It looked ridiculously expensive for a murukku maker, but then , think interms of USD, USD!

I was about to say "Sell" - when - the power went off.

Sagunam sariyilla (Bad Omen)
Being very superstitious, ( I am told all business people are) I never went back to EBay.

Last week I heard from the EBay friend again. What happened to the shirts?
Oh that, he didnt find any buyers, so he sent them to his father for his B Day!

A photo taken at the time of partition - This is a library

Of VJs

Much has been written about VJs in tamil channels - Specially about the flow of conversation:
VJ: Hello Mr. xx.Eppidi irukkenga?
Excited voice: Naan nalla iruken neenga eppadi irukkenga
VJ :Naan nalla iruken neenga eppadi irukkenga
EV: Romba naala try pannitte irukken madam. Neenga romba azhaga irukkeenga...
VJ:(Hysterical laugh)

There is also another type of torture which people have not noticed much yet.
The dear lady here, hosts the comedy time (I think it is on Sun TV)

I have been watching this program (inspite of this lady) for some weeks now. Her introduction to ANY comedy scene is as under:
Let us say, she has to introduce the Senthil Vazhappazha joke:

" Ippo naama yaar kittayavadhu vazhappazham vaangittu vara sonna,
Silaper mudiyaadhu nnu solliduvannga.
Silaper paathinganna, appurama vaangittu varennu solliduvaanga.
Innum silaper pathingana, vaangittu vandhu, enakkum venum nu solvaanga. Innum silaper pathingana, vaangitu avangale saaptuvaange.
Ippo indha scenela ivar enna sayyararnu pappom"



She has been talking in the same manner week after week for every scene. Give her a break, please!

Statu(e)s of Tamil politics

Silai Vaippadhe Velai!

Nowadays,apart from news on new statues erected, statues desecrated and statues planned to be erected, planned to be desecrated, I dont hear any other news about governance in TN.

May be it means that TN achieved perfection in every sphere that the only concern the Govt has is who should have a statue and where.

After Thiruvalluvar ( a carry fd from the previous term), actor Sivaji,Kannagi, Dr. Murasoli Maran, Periyar (have I missed some?), I wonder who the next VIP would be.

With several months of this term to go, the Govt needs to think about new names, new statues.Here is my list to help the Govt carry on its primary occupation:

1. Kakai Padini - A poet of the same era I reckon, as Thiruvalluvar. Place: Anywhere!
With a name that shows a certain affinity towards crows (kakai means crow in Tamil), we may even hope that his feathered friends might not trouble him too much.
Only hitch is no one has any idea what he looked like. For some strange reason, he didnt leave even a passport size photograph behind.
Well, so what? No one knows what Thiruvalluvar looked like either!

2. Madhavi, Manimeghalai, Nalla Thangaal - Well, they were females too!
And Madhavi featuring in the same epic as Kannagi should really get a statue the same size, same material, same place, same fuss as Kannagi ( Females will be females , statues or alive)

3. Veerappan of the sandal wood fame- For no reason except that he is no more and his statue will look very impressive any where (who can forget the mush)!
(I hope Ananda Vikatan's Madhan gets to design this statue)

4. Seethalai Chaathanar - Same reason as the above . Viz: why not???

5. "Mister Podhujanam" (Mr. CITIZEN) - Unfortunately, the only living person in our list.
But, this is a guy who really has every right to have a statue simply for his ENORMOUS patience with the Govt and its favourite time pass . Even takes time out to protest when a particular statue is desecrated otherwise than by birds.

I think this list will be sufficient for the present. The Govt also has alliance partners to cajole, Kollywood events to attend.. I was forgetting!